Avoidable bores!

by Rajbir Deswal
(Middle in The Tribune Nov 10)
IF you have an acquaintance who has recently built a house; or has married off a son or daughter; or has returned after a foreign trip; better avoid his company because he will bore you to death.
“Look, I made all the rooms big and airy. 40 X 36. Roof at 16 feet. I can’t stand low ceiling. Sun has direct access to every corner in the room. Everything Vastu vetted. You will not see the shit-pot from your bed. And no stairs from over your head,” the house-maker will brag.
If he reads some expression of disinterestedness in you, he will immediately accost you saying: “Come, have a look inside the bathroom. We selected the tiles’ colour from a range of nearly a thousand. Zara wo darjano shade cards dikhana ji,” he will call out for his wife.
“Also show the kitchen to Bhai Sahab,” he will tell her. It will now be her turn to worsen your ordeal. “Modular is too costly. We made it similar but in just half the price. And have a look here,” She will make you crane your neck like a flamingo to go under the chimney: “All fumes and smoke sucked in it. And see the sink. It has two levels. You can dry your washed dishes and utensils here on the upper shelf. And this is the latest with an inbuilt draining that doesn’t require grouting with fibre pipes”.
From balcony to backyard, from terrace to rooftop, from stairs to parapets, from railings to boundary walls, from washroom to poojaroom, from taps to curtain rods, from sanitary hardware to paints and their shades — oh my God, you are shaken out of your craving for a house of your own.
Next type of persons to be on your ‘Avoid them’ list should be those who have married off their son or daughter. “All catering arrangements were from the top bracket available. Log ungliyan hi chate chale gaye. And decoration? It was superb. The florists had also done a wonderful job in turning the entire pandaal into a rose-garden. We had a unique theme to select for the tent. Six ministers, two High Court judges, local DC, SP. Who else would you want? Humne to ladke walon ko keh diya tha to be either on time or eat stale food. Ha ha ha!”
The third category is of those who just returned from a foreign land. You will have details of the practices and norms followed ‘there’—and ‘they do this’ and ‘they do that’ sort. These people will behave as if they were born and brought up ‘there’. Even the slang and pronunciation would be different. More of ‘yups’ of affirmation and ‘khups’ of ‘thea’. ‘Nyo’ for negation, and ‘O-Boy’ for exclamation!