Gate Crash at Royal Wedding

A gatecrasher's manual: Rajbir Deswal :
Not so long ago, there was a practice among boys living in a hostel to have a tie that would be exclusively worn to get entry into a wedding in the vicinity (remember 3 Idiots?). The hosts would usually be confused, regarding the gatecrashers to be legitimate guests; the gatecrashers, meanwhile, would have enough of the sumptuous spread to sustain themselves till the next wedding.
Well, here is another opportunity. Royalty no less than the Queen of England is out, inviting guests to attend the wedding of her grandson Prince William. If you don't get the invite, then try these tips.
Dress up like the mascot Maharaja of Air India, with a turban of red and blue stripes. Red and white looks more American. Also maintain that seemingly welcoming but submissive style, after the fashion of Indian kings of the British era.
Look down (looking straight in the eyes is taken as audacious) while walking into the pearly gates of the Celebrations Gardens. They will let you in without questioning and frisking for being one of the old true blues.
If you are a sports lover, carry a polo stick in your left hand. While kissing the hand of the royal receiver, keep the left leg bent near the knee, like one to be knighted. Also don a golf cap or a felt hat to be doffed and to go behind it, lest you are recognised. They will welcome you thinking you were their chum, who learnt all gentlemanly-sportsmanship from them only and none else.
If this doesn't work, adopt the guise of a snake-charmer but take care not to swagger like the Scottish Pipers, for the royals don't like them. The English are well aware of the Biblical snake-in-thegrass, and before a wedding, they would surely like to catch it while you are playing the been. With such services rendered, they might let you in, after consulting the royal priest from Canterbury.
There are some `don'ts' to be followed as well. Don't try being near the wedding site without a shirt, for they will invariably take you to be a wandering vagrant or even a `naked fakir'. A cigarette on your lips might remind them of Lady Mountbatten's `lighting up' at the hands of Nehru and given their recent aversion to smoking, they might not let you in.They are British, please.
For more such tips, you may consult the ones who have been staying in that country without valid visas. But no matter what you do, do not end up looking like a visa seeker.